THE ENEMIES OF SELFISH THOUGH A MIGHTY HIDEOUS HORDE WILL BE CRUSHED BY HIS MERCILESS OMNIPOTENCE

I stroll out from my palace
towards the fearsome walls
that protect my earthly kingdom.
Minions and servants prostrate themselves
before me
or if they do not,
and there has been a slight hint of insubordination
in recent times,
my faithful retainers beat the offender to a meaningless pulp

Up I climb the heavy slabby steps onto the ramparts
themselves.
The reports that have been coming in
they cannot be true
some lying lackey has invented a story
of rebellion and insurgence,
some faithless subject claims dark forces
are at work in my golden land,
but how could that possibly be?
My people have only respect and admiration
for me
they realise that the wielding of the bullwhip
the cracking of the cat o' nine tails
the snap of the guillotine
are all things considered, a totally justifiable means of control and
manipulation.
In their firm hearts and kind souls
they humble themselves before the
valiant sacrifice I made in
turning my back on a comfortable future
and dedicating my life
to public service and the execution
of inexorable duty.
The lying lackey
who invented this calumnious tale
has been fittingly punished,
no more will his vile tongue spit
falsities and vicious fibs

I gaze out through the parapet
expecting a scene of pastoral
peace and tranquility to greet my twinkling eyes,
the land of Selfish at peace with itself
in gentle subjugation.
Imagine my horror,
imagine the consternation
when I see
on every side
on every horizon
behind every tree
across every field
betwixt every hedgerow
a vast pitiless army of
remorseless enemies
creeping insidiously malevolently
ever closer

"This cannot be!" I cry
"There is no way that this can be!"
and yet it is so,
my enemies have somehow got together
and amassed an immense army
featuring
millions of well armed well trained foot soldiers,
several thousand divisions of robust cavalry,
hosts and hosts of archers with rippling trunks instead of arms,
powerful catapults, tall rolling towers.
A dark unimaginative horde
furious unremitting.
They are the fruits of indifference,
ignorance and jealousy,
they saw the light of Selfish
and did not kneel,
did not worship.

They approach
as I stare gobsmacked
into their worm like insistence,
I recognise some of the faces,
ugly narrow-minded whippets
who laughed at my wisdom
who scorned my genius,
who talked behind my back,
who made insidious unspecific remarks
to the detriment of my character
but still
but still there is time,
my mercy and compassion know no bounds.
I will give this heathen scum one last chance

I summon my trumpeters and drum men
they will play a medley of my greatest hits
I will accompany them in voice song
on the choruses and middle-eights.
My enemies upon hearing my heavenly melodies
will see the error of their ways
my enemies on hearing my catchy lyrics
and tasty arrangements
will throw down their weapons
and heap praise upon my name,
will repent of their treacherous actions
and accept me as the all-knowing
perfect being that I am.
They will beg for forgiveness and mercy.
Will I bestow upon them the bounty
of my compassion?
I don't know
it depends on how things pan out

The unbelievable
becomes the believable
the inconceivable
is conceived,
the imponderable
is pondered.
They do not cease!
They march on!
Now the thuds of their cannons,
the clomping of their stallion's hooves
the clanking of their lugubrious war machines
become ever louder,
lick the electric air
with their frightening and malicious intention.

I have not chosen to fight
I have offered them the way of the olive branch and
the white love dove
and what have they done?
They have chucked it back in my face!
We must to war!
I summon my bowmen,
I call out loud and strong!
but no bowmen appear
a retainer is sent to seek them
they must be preparing their arms
or having some sort of mass before the clash of battle
and the striking of steel against steel.
My retainer returns
"They've scarpered"
"What?"
"They've scarpered, said we didn't stand a cat's chance in hell,
what a bunch of yellow bellies"
I strike my retainer
he recoils
that will teach him to bring me bad news.
Suddenly he gets uppity
"No-one's gonna fight
can't you see?
They're gonna knock seven shits out of us
and it's all your fault for being such
a stubborn stupid insensitive human being."
Strong words
words that would normally lead to
an immediate beheading
but under the circumstances
bearing in mind the alarmed countenances
of all around
I feel beholden to respond in a fairly reasonable manner

"The moat, you've forgotten the moat
that's bound to keep them out, there's crocodiles
and piranhas in its murky waters.
They will eat them to death!"
"Technologically they look fairly sophisticated"
observes the retainer I struck
who now seems to bear some sort of obscure grudge,
"It won't take them five minutes to
bridge the moat and mount the walls if they don't just
bombard us to death instead.
You're finished Selfish.
You're yesterday's stale dumplings"

I leap on the retainer
uppity little nobody
I'll show him
I am torn from his embrace
I am hurled to the ground
and kicked about.
The white flag is hoisted.
I am utterly betrayed
somehow I get to my feet
rush to the parapet
open my mouth
scream at the grey masses
"The enemies of Selfish though a mighty
hideous horde will be crushed by his
merciless omnipotence!"

everyone laughs