THE BALLAD OF SIR SELFISH

A sight of mighty majesty
was Selfish the Lord and Master
revered he was through all the land
by carpenter and plasterer

By paintman by bargeman
by flower-woman by laundry girl
and by classy types of ladies
who had an earring made of pearl

Yes, sassy Scarlet Johanssen types
who were versatile and pert
would pass out when Selfish passed by
and collapse upon the dirt

Yes, such was his magic charisma
among shoeman, ostler and scribe,
and for oenophile, lunch lady and actor
he gave off a very good vibe

For Yoeman, DJ and drag-queen
he was the leader par excellence
and need I mention the esteem in which he was held
in the kingdom of finance

Plainsman, woodland-people and highlander
worshipped at his feet
hipster poets and beat-poetesses
were part of his elite

What a cool and groovy guy
for this camelot type epoch in which this tale is set
and so far ahead of his time
that's something we shouldn't forget

Waitresses and business executives
hung on his every utterance
nymphs satyrs and wizards
were happy to go into a trance

And conjure up his image
and around it do a dance
and bless his glimmering shield
and enchant his simmering lance

Before I start up again this list
of people by whom he was adored
I'd better also mention
he had a god almighty sword

This is quite important you see
because a challenge he had to meet
he had to kill a wicked dragon
who was bossing everyone round the street

But back we go to the list
and let a merry polka rule our heart
before dark tales of evil creatures
allow happiness to depart

Sir Selfish was admired
by poacher, PR person and tout
by hard working couples
by ruffian and lout

by ratcatcher ombudsman
and midwife, by philosopher and stoat
by marriage counsellor and social worker
by professor, tart and goat

by carpet cleaner, cartoonist and witch
by curator, thug and bum
by surly city banker
by anyone who was anyone

Wow, they really thought a lot of him,
as he rode out into the sun
to kill this bastard dragon
who'd been doing everybody wrong

The pilchard seller and the novelist
the probation officer and the vet
the existentialist and the folk singer
looked on Selfish as if he was a shining minaret

The basket case and the abomination
the bricklayer and the man of law
put down their instruments of torture
and gazed at Selfish in true awe

How proud they felt as they saw him ride off
elegant and cocky
"he's bound to slaughter that shitty dragon" they cried
"It'll be as easy as playing hockey

For a bloke like that
so sure of himself, strong and 'confidante'
is even more threatening
than a New York maiden aunt

He'll have no problem in slaughtering
that peskerly dragon thing
no we believe utterly
in our great, all-wise Sir Bing"

The urchin and the barber
the perceiver and the perceived
were quite certain the reign of the dragon was over
they really felt quite relieved

The web designer, the poor and the illiterate
for a moment all were one
anticipating how wonderful the world would be
when Selfish had got rid of that bloody dragon

"We love you" cried the prostitutes
and the rent boys all chimed in
"If you murder that mythological beast
then you'll definitely be our king"

In more middle class districts
where pimping is not a frequent occurrence
doctors, teachers and accountants
were more than pleased to make the inference

that there was no way a glorified bird of prey
ok with a flaming snout
would have any chance over a knight like Selfish
No, of that there was no doubt

So it was, Selfish strode on
in his gleaming coat of armour
the ladies who espied him all fainted
what a desperately deadly charmer!

What an enchanted mystic romantic
what a self evidently brilliant lover
he was desperately desired by all those
models who appear on the front cover

of fashionable magazines
like Harpers Bizarre and Elle and Vogue
and by alluring exotic temptresses
all of them, except for Kylie Minogue

So it was, Selfish finally got
to where the dragon was
but what he met knocked the stuffing out of him
because, because, because

The dragon was bloody massive
yeah, a great big mound of muscle
Selfish quickly realised
this was going to be more than a quick tussle

But there was no way he could turn back
everyone was watching
oh why hadn't he stayed at home
instead of all of this hotch-potching?

So it was with great reluctance
and a feeling of impending doom
he charged at this bloody great leviathan
shining through the gloom

The sword, the shield, the lance,
they all proved quite ineffective
Selfish's ill-prepared attack
was worthy of invective

The result alas was inevitable
Selfish got thoroughly trounced
he managed to escaped within an inch of his life
and was then rapidly denounced

As a thoroughly unsavoury character
who should be looked at with contempt
who couldn't even beat a dragon
with a sword from heaven sent

So the seamstress and the psychiatrist
the freeman and the serf
never again talked of Selfish,
they gave him a very wide berth

The boards of many top companies
cursed Selfish's vain venture
'cos that damned dragon was still out there
and was bound to involve more expenditure!